Tuesday, September 14, 2010


In the last 2 years, the numb patch of skin on my leg (which lead to being diagnosed with MS) has set off a scientific treasure hunt of every doctor within a 50 mile radius.

What they are currently drugging me for/ treating me for today:
* MS- I now have 36 holes in my brain and spinal cord, all over 55 mm in size.
* Grave's Disease/ Hyperthyroid (which we knew about 10 yrs ago. 6 yr ago we killed my thyroid, but the MS meds have created a zombie thyroid that has come back o life to take over the world.
* 4 broken bones in my spine- 2 of which were from me falling a whole 8 inches (7 months ago), the other 2 are from meds/ physical therapy used to treat the first 2.
* Degenerative Disc and Degenerative Joint Disease
* Osteoarthritis
* Optic Neuritis
* Neurogenic Bladder (my brain no longer tells my bladder how to empty.
* Bipolar Disorder/ Depression/ Anxiety (well, duh, ya think I might be a little depressed?)
* Chronic Fatigue
* Insomnia (yes, I have both)
* Torn Hip Flexor/ Bursitis
* Pinched Sciatic Nerve
And I am sure there are more dx's to add to the list that I may have forgotten... did I mention I have MS and holes in the brain, so I tend to forget things?

And in 2 years time: the countless doctors, nurses, the over 100 doctors appointments, the 30 trips into the MRI machine, God only knows how many needles and blown veins (I would guess this to be around 80 veins, and more needles), and over $200,000 billed to my insurance company... and all of my doctors, specialists, nurses, surgeons, radiology techs, IV Therapy team, at home care... they have all worked so diligently in the last 2 years to...? You tell me. They have been unable to fix the first damn thing! Not a single thing on that list.

They have medicated me, infused me, shot me full of drugs, convinced me to shoot myself with needles, my current pill count is 22 a day plus a monthly infusion... ha and I am still in pain, and I am still broken. I have tried acupuncture, chiropractic (which was helping for pain but I have 4 broken bones in my spine and he cannot touch me), dieting, physical therapy, praying to whichever God would listen, everything short of voodoo and believe me, if I thought it would work, I would try it. I have been banned from: bending, lifting, working, drinking, going outside when it is hot, standing, walking, they tried to ban me from sex! They are working so hard to save my life but they have not realized that I no longer have one.

At this point, I wish to take this list and attach a reward. The first doctor who can fix one thing... I don't care if it is the back, the thyroid, the bladder, or whatever. But it has to be one of the things on this list... so let's start a collection for the reward. You guys want money? Body parts? I will give you a kidney and two ovaries full of eggs that I am not using! Anything you want. JUST FIX SOMETHING!! I have lost all faith in the medical community at this point. Or maybe it is just Virginia Doctors and I need to move?

So, I am scheduled to go in Thursday for cortisone injections in my hip. I am not wagering any money on whether it works or not. I am curious to see if this doctor can do what no man has done before, or if he will be your typical doc who fixes nothing and finds something else wrong with you. I am trying to be hopeful, but this is the same doc who sent me to the surgeon about my back. I set myself up for a huge disappointment with that one. Bouncing off of the walls excited that I would be getting the surgery and it would make the pain in my back ease up some, only to have those dreams crushed and being sent home in tears.

Yes, I have become angry, and bitter, and frustrated. I will not apologize for this. I have been playing lab rat for 2 years and it sucks. Oh and that is not the whole list of what they have found in the last 2 years, this is just the list of things that decided to "treat".

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Life sucks today... and yesterday... and they day before that...

I am dying. And I know that I am dying. My body is systematically shutting down piece by piece and no matter how hard I try to fight it, it will not stop. It’s hard to face your own mortality, especially when you feel like a prisoner trapped inside of your own body. I am depressed, and I am in pain, and I am lonely. Even in my own house surrounded by the people I love the most, I feel so alone all of the time.

I can’t talk to them about it. And even if I could they wouldn’t want to talk about it. For my friends and family, the idea that I am a mere mortal is somehow unfathomable. I should live forever and pretend that I am not dying. Maybe if we ignore it, it will go away. Maybe if we fight harder, it will stop. But don’t you dare give up! You are not allowed to give up.

It would have been so much easier if I had lost my mind first. At least then I would not know what was going on. I would gladly welcome insanity if it meant not fully comprehending the reality of the present. I would choose death before deciding which part of me I want to sacrifice to save the other, yet that is exactly what I am doing. Too many people depend on me and I made a choice years ago that no longer allows me the luxury of the self indulgence of death.

I am smiling on the outside but on the inside I am screaming, calling out in vain for help, for mercy, but they never come. I awake in pain every morning as a reminder that is my life. I want to run away but I know it would do no good. I simply cannot shed my body and run away. This monster lives inside of me. It is taking my body and destroying my soul one poke at a time.

I can scream, and I can cry, and I can throw things, and I can fight this, but it would still be here, this monster inside of my body. I cannot escape it, and I am not yet ready to give into it. So what do I do? I am so tired of doctors and specialists and nurses and medications and needles and … I am just tired. I keep running the gauntlet and I keep fighting and at the end of the day I am left wondering if it is even worth it. Is it worth the energy and the pain and the side effects? Is it worth giving up my life, everything about me and everything that I was, trading it all in to be the patient? Doctors are working diligently to save my life but I ask what life they are saving? Who are they saving because it damn sure isn’t me. I do not know this person I have become. I do not like this person that I have become, in fact I hate this person. I mourn the loss of my old self. Yet it’s her reflection I see when I look in the mirror, another reminder that this is really happening.

Why does life have to be so damn hard all of the time? Why can’t I get good news from a doctor just once? Why can’t I wake up and not feel the weight of the world closing in on my and watching it shatter and fall piece by piece? Am I ever going to wake up from this nightmare? How much can one person endure before they reach the breaking point and just lose it?