It's Over and I Am Alone, Broken and Alone

And today we were having dinner and he just told me he would never be happy here. He loves me but he is not in love with me and he has decided he is moving home in June. He couldn’t handle the burdens of me and this disease.
He loves me but he is not in love with me and hasn’t been for a very long time. We are two different people and we want different things in life and this is for the best for both of us. I deserve more than he can give me. I deserve a man who will love me like he is supposed to. I have been his best friend and his only friend for 4 years, I have been a mother to his child and he hopes I can continue to do so. I am the best girlfriend a man could ever ask for but he needs to be at home.
Yes, this is two days after he held me and kissed me and vowed to work this out. Promised to try to work this out. Made love to me afterwards. Apparently none of that meant anything to him.
I am an emotional wreck and all I can think about are our kids. This isn’t fair to them, this isn’t fair to me. I am the only mom his child has ever known and he has been a father to my child for over half of her life. And he is going to walk away. And who will be there to pick up the pieces of the shattered hearts?
I deserve a lot of things but I don’t deserve this. I have been faithful, open, loving, caring, dedicated to him. I have been there for him, his daughter, my daughter, our family. I cleaned the house, did the dishes, took care of the animals, and did his laundry, ran his errands, and there was a hot meal waiting for him each night after work. I was there sexually any time he wanted me, I worked my ass off to please him.
I spent 4 years of my life falling deeper in love with each day that passed for a man who doesn’t love me back. His daughter thinks she is coming here in june and she is going to come to live with us and she will finally have the family she has missed out on for the last 13 years. And he is going to take that away from her. Snatch the heart out of her chest and she is going to hurt the most of all of us.
He said we reached a point where neither of us gave a damn enough to fight for this. He was wrong. I would have fought to the death for that man, I would have gladly given my life for him and our family. And he didn’t love me enough to be honest with me when he began having doubts. He kept it inside until it consumed him. This has cut me to the deepest depths of my soul and I don’t know if I will survive this.
He doesn’t love me enough to fight. He doesn’t love me enough to even try to work this out. He doesn’t love me enough to stay. Our family and our life doesn’t mean anything to him because his mind is made up and I have no say in the matter.

Getting Through A Crappy Day

Getting through a crappy day.
How do you get through the crappy days and remain positive? I am finding it hard to do today but determined to make it work if it kills me.
So I woke up at 2am. Had a dream about my fiancé, who is off with his friends in the mountains somewhere, hopefully having fun and “clearing his head”. I woke up and he wasn’t here. He didn’t text me to let me know he was alright. (I know they have no signal up there and his battery was dying when he got there). But I also know they stayed at the hotel last night, he has his laptop and was supposed to charge it and let me know he was ok. It’s not a big deal, but at 2 am it is a big enough deal for me to get out of bed and try calling him with no answer. It sucked. I was alone, I was worried about him, and a part of me was pissed at him. Not because he didn’t call, but because this is the one time he has taken time off from work and school and instead of doing something with the family, instead of doing something with me, he ran away and I am alone and I know he will not get time off again for months. But, I know that he needs this break, and I need to be understanding. And I need to deal with this on my own, even if it sucks.
Finally fell back asleep, and then my alarm goes off. Text message from my mother, cannot respond because my phone has been cut off because the man who is away and can’t figure out his phone is not working didn’t pay the bill before he left. Awesome.
On a chance, I decided to email him. Hoping he has his computer and will get the message. He did. Phone problem straight, bill paid and he is okay. He may be coming home tonight he may be coming home tomorrow. He doesn’t know. I don’t know. But what is new? I don’t know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew was wrong, so what can I do about it? Not a damn thing.
I have a doctor’s appointment today… as usual. Primary care guy this time, time for our monthly chit- chat session. I tell him what’s wrong he tells me nothing he can do I say I know, he says here’s an antibiotic, see ya next month.
I like this guy. He is brutally honest, doesn’t believe in false hope. He stays on top of my other doctors, he doesn’t promise cures that don’t exist. He fixes what he can and he moves on. He is the only one of my team of specialists who hasn’t told me it is going to be okay because he knows it isn’t. He is the only one that has never seen me cry, but he knows the emotional turmoil I am dealing with. He is the one that told me it is only going to get worse and I need to prepare for that. Surprisingly, that is why he is my favorite. Some days, I wish for false hope, but that is what my neuro is for.
It’s about to snow and sleet here. Schools may be closing early. So far, this day is a bust. I am not feeling the hope or the self love, but I will fake it till it comes. So I got up and did my makeup. I am drinking my coffee and I am writing. I am able to control some things and I will make it through this day.
Things I am thankful for today:
1. No snow, schools opened on time, I don’t have to change my doctors appointments around.
2. My kids- Last night I went out to dinner with the youngest and watched her scarf down a half a rack of ribs. While I was there I got a text from the oldest who tells me she loves my hair because it makes me look more like her, then on the way home, the youngest one tells me that Hello Kitty is Jewish. She meant to say Japanese, but it was funny as hell.
3. My man- even if things don’t work out between us, he has been a big part of my life for the last 4 years and he has been my sole financial supporter for the last 2. If nothing else I have to give him credit for that.
4. Knowing that I am loved- loved by my family, my friends, and all of my online buddies who are also battling MS.
5. The house is warm, the coffee is brewed and I am a cute brunette.
Yes, I dyed my hair yesterday. It came out a great color that I love, but I have been a blonde all of my life, so it is a little strange waking up as a brunette. At least I didn’t go off of the deep end and chop it all off and dye it pink. I thought about it, but I think I am getting too old for pink hair. Besides, my shrink would probably try to have me committed if I did. But it did remind me of the whole Brittany Spears thing, I think I can fully understand why she went nuts and shaved her head one day. She was just tired of being herself, and it is so much easier to change the outside than to change the inside.
I have rambled on enough and I need to get ready to go. I am sure I will be back on later.

Today is a new day

Well, a lot has happened in the last few days. I was able to share my last two entries with my fiancé. And I learned that he is overwhelmed, frustrated, and filled with resentment for me. He doesn’t feel he can fulfill my emotional needs and he is just too stressed out to find himself. It was harsh. I cried for days. I felt every emotion under the sun. I felt like he just didn’t want to be here anymore. I think I finally hit the bottom.
And then, something amazing happened. I realized that I had spent the last year of my life filled with regret and guilt and sadness, and grief. And I realized that my lack of happiness had nothing to do with the people in my life, with my fiancé. My lack of happiness and my insecurities had nothing to do with the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me, that he doesn’t give me his attention. And I realized that my lack of happiness is probably the cause of all of this. I have been a miserable person and made him and everyone else in my life miserable to be with me. I need to change me. There is only one person in this world that you have the power to change, and that is yourself.
I have been so focused on getting through the days, on what I have lost and what I have missed out on that I forgot to be grateful for what I have. I forgot to enjoy what is still there. I was presented with a challenge. Now, my mom, though crazy, sometimes has good advice. She challenged me to think of 5 things I was grateful for every morning when I wake up. Instead of waking up and dealing with the pain and the frustration, she challenged me to first think about what it is that I am living for.
This morning I thought about my kids, my mom, my fiancé, the fact that I am still able to walk, and the cup of coffee I was about to make. Yes, I am thankful for coffee. I am thankful for being able to get out of bed and go make the coffee, even if the coffee is used to wash down the pills that make me able to get through the day. I am thankful that I have the doctors and the pills and the insurance to cover them all. I am thankful that even when times get rough, the man is still there for me, still by my side. I am thankful for so many things.
I am thankful that I was able to see just how miserable I had become and how it was effecting others. I know that may sound weird but it is true. I took a step back and realized some of the idiotic things I had been doing. Nagging about dishes not being in the sink, nagging about laundry not being in the hamper, angry that he didn’t want to be around me when the truth is, I didn’t even want to be around myself.
It is time to find my happiness. That part is easier said than done. I don’t know where my happiness is. I am determined to find it. I need my own happiness, and no one else will ever be able to give that to me. I need to find my joy in the little things in life, and I need to learn to let go. There are things in this world that I cannot change. Life is not fair, sometimes it sucks. But life does go on. I need to believe in this. I need to go on and stop getting stuck and caught up in things I cannot change.
The man is leaving me for a few days tomorrow. Finally taking some time for himself, to go hang out with the guys and just get away. I am so glad he is finally taking a moment to himself. I don’t know how things are going to be in the future, I don’t know if he will find his happiness, I don’t know if he will be here for me. But I know that in the same way he cannot give me happiness, I cannot give him happiness. Neither of us are ready to walk away from the life we have together, and I sincerely hope we find a way to work together. But that is not something I can force, it is not something I can predict and it is not something I have control over, so I need to take it one day at a time.
I am not cured. The depression is still there and probably always will be. I have a lot of insecurities and I didn’t grow up in a home with a normal or stable family atmosphere, so this is all new to me. A lot of times, I don’t know which way to turn and I question myself a lot. But these are things I need to work on for myself. I have always had control of every aspect of my life and that has all changed in the last 2 years and it is scary. There are times when I am going to be scared, I am going to be insecure, I am going to be sad, but I need to find a better way to deal with it. I need to stop wishing that I had the option to get away for a few days, because this will never happen. My problems are inside of me and they come with me wherever I go. So my new goal is to figure out how to live with it.
Writing seems to help. I think it is because I am forced to sit down and actually sort through my feelings and focus on them one by one. So I will probably be writing a lot more. And I will probably be doing more girly things. Like wearing makeup and doing my hair and nails. Not because I feel the need to impress anyone but because it makes me feel like a girl. It may seem like a small and stupid thing, but it is something for me. I need to stop bumming around the house in my pjs all day and I need to be more productive.
At the same time, I need to recognize the triggers and I need to deal with them. I need to not overdo things and end up fatigued to the point of exhaustion. I need to let my body heal what it can. Yes, I realize this whole thing is I need, I need, I need. But at least I am starting to figure out what it is I need. Hopefully, from there, I can begin to tackle the needs and in the end find my happiness, which is what I want.