Saturday, January 15, 2011

It's Over and I Am Alone, Broken and Alone

And today we were having dinner and he just told me he would never be happy here. He loves me but he is not in love with me and he has decided he is moving home in June. He couldn’t handle the burdens of me and this disease.
He loves me but he is not in love with me and hasn’t been for a very long time. We are two different people and we want different things in life and this is for the best for both of us. I deserve more than he can give me. I deserve a man who will love me like he is supposed to. I have been his best friend and his only friend for 4 years, I have been a mother to his child and he hopes I can continue to do so. I am the best girlfriend a man could ever ask for but he needs to be at home.
Yes, this is two days after he held me and kissed me and vowed to work this out. Promised to try to work this out. Made love to me afterwards. Apparently none of that meant anything to him.
I am an emotional wreck and all I can think about are our kids. This isn’t fair to them, this isn’t fair to me. I am the only mom his child has ever known and he has been a father to my child for over half of her life. And he is going to walk away. And who will be there to pick up the pieces of the shattered hearts?
I deserve a lot of things but I don’t deserve this. I have been faithful, open, loving, caring, dedicated to him. I have been there for him, his daughter, my daughter, our family. I cleaned the house, did the dishes, took care of the animals, and did his laundry, ran his errands, and there was a hot meal waiting for him each night after work. I was there sexually any time he wanted me, I worked my ass off to please him.
I spent 4 years of my life falling deeper in love with each day that passed for a man who doesn’t love me back. His daughter thinks she is coming here in june and she is going to come to live with us and she will finally have the family she has missed out on for the last 13 years. And he is going to take that away from her. Snatch the heart out of her chest and she is going to hurt the most of all of us.
He said we reached a point where neither of us gave a damn enough to fight for this. He was wrong. I would have fought to the death for that man, I would have gladly given my life for him and our family. And he didn’t love me enough to be honest with me when he began having doubts. He kept it inside until it consumed him. This has cut me to the deepest depths of my soul and I don’t know if I will survive this.
He doesn’t love me enough to fight. He doesn’t love me enough to even try to work this out. He doesn’t love me enough to stay. Our family and our life doesn’t mean anything to him because his mind is made up and I have no say in the matter.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride From Hell

Roller Coaster ride from hell.
Today was going to be a good day. I was determined. I pushed and I pushed and boom, it all blew up and fell into a million pieces around me. I woke up alone. I woke up in pain. Not your regular kind of I am getting old and aches kind of pain, but the kind of pain that reminded me that my back is still broken in 4 places, and I had become such a wretchedly horrible person that the one time in almost a year my boyfriend took more than a day off and he chose to leave me behind and go off with his friends to get the hell away from me.
But, I thought of my 5 things:
1. Pain pills
2. Coffee
3. A 2 hour head start with school being delayed.
4. My Family
5. He was coming home today
So I got up, made my coffee, took my pills, and started my day. I fed the dogs, I watched an episode of stupid pointless TV to get my mind elsewhere and I waited for my kid to wake up. She got up, we hung out, she watched TV, enjoying her 2 hour delay. I got her breakfast ready, I did my makeup, did my hair, and I got ready for my day. I got her off to school, washed a load of laundry, and headed out to my doctor’s appointment. Got a text on the way there from the man, he is an hour away.
I got there, checked in, and saw I had an email. From the man. In it, he told me he loved me, but he was torn between me and his life at home in KY and he misses his daughter and he wants to move back home. He doesn’t want to leave me but he is miserable and he wants to go home in June when the semester is over and school is out for Madi and the lease is up. BOOM! Did my world just crumble down around me? Did everything I have worked so hard to keep together just fall shattering to the earth like the shards of glass that used to be my heart? Yes, yes it did. I got through my doctors appointment. I sat in the parking lot on the phone with my mom for a good half an hour. I pulled myself together. I refused to fall apart. I refused to let the hurt and the anger in. I just refused to feel anything for a moment.
It was like my daughter’s dad all over again. I was emotionally dying, but I would not let it show. I would not lose my composure, not for him. I would not let him see the tears. I came home, a volatile cocktail of emotions. I stopped and checked the mail. SSDI… oh thank God, the answer to my prayers. The letter I have been waiting on for over a year and a half. A decision about my disability claim/appeal. My 7 specialists including my psychologist all say I cannot go back to work. All say I am disabled. In fact, SSDI tells the state of Virginia I am disabled enough to receive Medicaid for the medical costs. I open it…. YUP, Bastards denied me again! No specific reasons other than they agree with their last decision and feel it is lawful. Are you fucking kidding me?? 37 holes in my brain and spine, 4 chronic broken bones in my back, organ failure, bipolar disorder, graves disease, hyperthyroid… a monthly infusion, 15 doctors appointments a month, over a quarter of a million dollars billed to Medicaid last year… and I am denied?? You ever feel like waking up and screaming WHAT THE FUCK at the top of your lungs?
I just sat in my car for a minute, trying desperately to search for the last crumb of my sanity. Is this really happening? Please wake up from this nightmare.
I came inside, and I could not face him. I could not look him in the eye. I couldn’t look at him. I walked passed him and pretended he didn’t exist. I locked myself in the bathroom and tried to clear my head. He came in here and waited, then he left. He went back into the living room. I grabbed a cigarette, walked back passed him and out to the garage. On my way out he asked if we could talk, I ignored him. I came back in and he was in the bedroom, I made a cup of coffee and decided it was time to face this elephant before my daughter got home from school.
So I went into the bedroom. I sat on the bed, and I looked at him. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know what to feel. So I told him that. I asked what he wanted from me. Did he want me to scream? Did he want me to cry? Did he want me to throw things? What the hell did he want from me? He said “I don’t know”. So I decided to tell him about my day. How my day started off sucky, got better, the bomb of him wanting to leave me exploded and how I had tried so hard to reinvent myself. I told him about the call from my shrink this morning; calling to check on me because my Primary Care Doc was afraid I was about to kill myself. I told her that I already had. I had killed the miserable person I became and replaced her with a woman who could no longer carry the baggage. Then I asked him again what he wanted from me. And again, I got no answer.
His whole email was about the promises he made to his family, to come home after the Army, to be there for his daughter. And I reminded him of the promises he made to me. Promises he made to my daughter, to his daughter to us as a family. For better or worse, that was the promise. Forever and always, it used to mean more than four years. And what about our children? How would this affect them? I am the only mother his daughter has ever known. He is the full time dad figure in my daughter’s life while her father is the fun guy who buys her stuff.
He finally broke down. Told me he was caught in the middle, torn between the two and he asked me what to do. He begged me to tell him what to do. I cannot make him stay. I cannot tell him what to do. I can only offer my honesty. So I did. Honestly, I think his daughter being so far away is his choice. He has promised her and I for years that she is coming here. Our whole life since we moved in together always included an extra room for when she came to live with us.
Life with me is not perfect. This is not the life we planned. No one ever plans on having MS. No one ever plans on their body shutting down and making them incapable of working. No one ever plans on facing their own mortality at the age of 30. No one ever plans to have to be the breadwinner, or to have to depend solely on the other person. If we planned for this, we would spend out entire adult lives depressed and afraid and this is why these thoughts don’t come to the average 30 yr old.
He wanted my opinion of what to do. If it were up to me, I would bring his daughter here, she would live here, we would get married, and he would finish school and we would have a life. We would have a family. We would have each other. Then again, if it were up to me, neither of us would have this disease, we would both be working, we would both be paying the bills and we would be equals. But I cannot make that happen any more than I cane make him stay so it is not up to me. It is up to him. I hate not being in control of things, I hate that I cannot control my own life, my own destiny. I hate it but I have to deal with it. I don’t have the option to walk away. I cannot pack up and leave and not look back. I am the one that is fighting to live.
He finally opened up. The walls of responsibility are closing around him and he is suffocating. He cannot pay the bills as it is so he doesn’t want to bring his daughter here. He cannot keep on top of things no matter how much he works. He works so much to pay the bills because I cannot. He doesn’t blame me, he cannot blame me. He loves me, but he feels so overwhelmed by pressure that he is drowning. He works 12 hour days, goes to school on his days off and he cannot keep the bills paid. It’s killing him. He doesn’t think I am happy or that I ever will be happy because he cannot give me attention when he is home. He doesn’t have anything left to give at the end of the day.
I feel horrible for that. I feel horrible for this whole rotten situation and I don’t blame him for wanting to leave. He works so hard and he never gets a break, never gets a day off where he can just be. Stuff piles up at work or stuff piles up at home and he is constantly running this rat race with nothing to show for it at the end of the day. At the same time, it’s just money. We will always have bills, it is a fact of life. I don’t know what to do anymore. We decided to try to work things out. All we can do is try. But now I live with the fact that I don’t know if he is going to be here tomorrow. I don’t know how to accept that. He has always been here for me through it all, and the idea of him not being here is killing me, but the idea of him continuing this race alone and trying to get the bills paid is killing him, so no one is happy.
I am so lost right now. I am trying to find this happiness in my life that doesn’t seem to exist and each time I think I am getting close I hit a landmine and it all blows up in my face. I don’t know which way to turn. But I know that going straight on the path I have been on will end in disaster.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Getting Through A Crappy Day

Getting through a crappy day.
How do you get through the crappy days and remain positive? I am finding it hard to do today but determined to make it work if it kills me.
So I woke up at 2am. Had a dream about my fiancé, who is off with his friends in the mountains somewhere, hopefully having fun and “clearing his head”. I woke up and he wasn’t here. He didn’t text me to let me know he was alright. (I know they have no signal up there and his battery was dying when he got there). But I also know they stayed at the hotel last night, he has his laptop and was supposed to charge it and let me know he was ok. It’s not a big deal, but at 2 am it is a big enough deal for me to get out of bed and try calling him with no answer. It sucked. I was alone, I was worried about him, and a part of me was pissed at him. Not because he didn’t call, but because this is the one time he has taken time off from work and school and instead of doing something with the family, instead of doing something with me, he ran away and I am alone and I know he will not get time off again for months. But, I know that he needs this break, and I need to be understanding. And I need to deal with this on my own, even if it sucks.
Finally fell back asleep, and then my alarm goes off. Text message from my mother, cannot respond because my phone has been cut off because the man who is away and can’t figure out his phone is not working didn’t pay the bill before he left. Awesome.
On a chance, I decided to email him. Hoping he has his computer and will get the message. He did. Phone problem straight, bill paid and he is okay. He may be coming home tonight he may be coming home tomorrow. He doesn’t know. I don’t know. But what is new? I don’t know anything anymore. Everything I thought I knew was wrong, so what can I do about it? Not a damn thing.
I have a doctor’s appointment today… as usual. Primary care guy this time, time for our monthly chit- chat session. I tell him what’s wrong he tells me nothing he can do I say I know, he says here’s an antibiotic, see ya next month.
I like this guy. He is brutally honest, doesn’t believe in false hope. He stays on top of my other doctors, he doesn’t promise cures that don’t exist. He fixes what he can and he moves on. He is the only one of my team of specialists who hasn’t told me it is going to be okay because he knows it isn’t. He is the only one that has never seen me cry, but he knows the emotional turmoil I am dealing with. He is the one that told me it is only going to get worse and I need to prepare for that. Surprisingly, that is why he is my favorite. Some days, I wish for false hope, but that is what my neuro is for.
It’s about to snow and sleet here. Schools may be closing early. So far, this day is a bust. I am not feeling the hope or the self love, but I will fake it till it comes. So I got up and did my makeup. I am drinking my coffee and I am writing. I am able to control some things and I will make it through this day.
Things I am thankful for today:
1. No snow, schools opened on time, I don’t have to change my doctors appointments around.
2. My kids- Last night I went out to dinner with the youngest and watched her scarf down a half a rack of ribs. While I was there I got a text from the oldest who tells me she loves my hair because it makes me look more like her, then on the way home, the youngest one tells me that Hello Kitty is Jewish. She meant to say Japanese, but it was funny as hell.
3. My man- even if things don’t work out between us, he has been a big part of my life for the last 4 years and he has been my sole financial supporter for the last 2. If nothing else I have to give him credit for that.
4. Knowing that I am loved- loved by my family, my friends, and all of my online buddies who are also battling MS.
5. The house is warm, the coffee is brewed and I am a cute brunette.
Yes, I dyed my hair yesterday. It came out a great color that I love, but I have been a blonde all of my life, so it is a little strange waking up as a brunette. At least I didn’t go off of the deep end and chop it all off and dye it pink. I thought about it, but I think I am getting too old for pink hair. Besides, my shrink would probably try to have me committed if I did. But it did remind me of the whole Brittany Spears thing, I think I can fully understand why she went nuts and shaved her head one day. She was just tired of being herself, and it is so much easier to change the outside than to change the inside.
I have rambled on enough and I need to get ready to go. I am sure I will be back on later.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Today is a new day

Well, a lot has happened in the last few days. I was able to share my last two entries with my fiancé. And I learned that he is overwhelmed, frustrated, and filled with resentment for me. He doesn’t feel he can fulfill my emotional needs and he is just too stressed out to find himself. It was harsh. I cried for days. I felt every emotion under the sun. I felt like he just didn’t want to be here anymore. I think I finally hit the bottom.
And then, something amazing happened. I realized that I had spent the last year of my life filled with regret and guilt and sadness, and grief. And I realized that my lack of happiness had nothing to do with the people in my life, with my fiancé. My lack of happiness and my insecurities had nothing to do with the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me, that he doesn’t give me his attention. And I realized that my lack of happiness is probably the cause of all of this. I have been a miserable person and made him and everyone else in my life miserable to be with me. I need to change me. There is only one person in this world that you have the power to change, and that is yourself.
I have been so focused on getting through the days, on what I have lost and what I have missed out on that I forgot to be grateful for what I have. I forgot to enjoy what is still there. I was presented with a challenge. Now, my mom, though crazy, sometimes has good advice. She challenged me to think of 5 things I was grateful for every morning when I wake up. Instead of waking up and dealing with the pain and the frustration, she challenged me to first think about what it is that I am living for.
This morning I thought about my kids, my mom, my fiancé, the fact that I am still able to walk, and the cup of coffee I was about to make. Yes, I am thankful for coffee. I am thankful for being able to get out of bed and go make the coffee, even if the coffee is used to wash down the pills that make me able to get through the day. I am thankful that I have the doctors and the pills and the insurance to cover them all. I am thankful that even when times get rough, the man is still there for me, still by my side. I am thankful for so many things.
I am thankful that I was able to see just how miserable I had become and how it was effecting others. I know that may sound weird but it is true. I took a step back and realized some of the idiotic things I had been doing. Nagging about dishes not being in the sink, nagging about laundry not being in the hamper, angry that he didn’t want to be around me when the truth is, I didn’t even want to be around myself.
It is time to find my happiness. That part is easier said than done. I don’t know where my happiness is. I am determined to find it. I need my own happiness, and no one else will ever be able to give that to me. I need to find my joy in the little things in life, and I need to learn to let go. There are things in this world that I cannot change. Life is not fair, sometimes it sucks. But life does go on. I need to believe in this. I need to go on and stop getting stuck and caught up in things I cannot change.
The man is leaving me for a few days tomorrow. Finally taking some time for himself, to go hang out with the guys and just get away. I am so glad he is finally taking a moment to himself. I don’t know how things are going to be in the future, I don’t know if he will find his happiness, I don’t know if he will be here for me. But I know that in the same way he cannot give me happiness, I cannot give him happiness. Neither of us are ready to walk away from the life we have together, and I sincerely hope we find a way to work together. But that is not something I can force, it is not something I can predict and it is not something I have control over, so I need to take it one day at a time.
I am not cured. The depression is still there and probably always will be. I have a lot of insecurities and I didn’t grow up in a home with a normal or stable family atmosphere, so this is all new to me. A lot of times, I don’t know which way to turn and I question myself a lot. But these are things I need to work on for myself. I have always had control of every aspect of my life and that has all changed in the last 2 years and it is scary. There are times when I am going to be scared, I am going to be insecure, I am going to be sad, but I need to find a better way to deal with it. I need to stop wishing that I had the option to get away for a few days, because this will never happen. My problems are inside of me and they come with me wherever I go. So my new goal is to figure out how to live with it.
Writing seems to help. I think it is because I am forced to sit down and actually sort through my feelings and focus on them one by one. So I will probably be writing a lot more. And I will probably be doing more girly things. Like wearing makeup and doing my hair and nails. Not because I feel the need to impress anyone but because it makes me feel like a girl. It may seem like a small and stupid thing, but it is something for me. I need to stop bumming around the house in my pjs all day and I need to be more productive.
At the same time, I need to recognize the triggers and I need to deal with them. I need to not overdo things and end up fatigued to the point of exhaustion. I need to let my body heal what it can. Yes, I realize this whole thing is I need, I need, I need. But at least I am starting to figure out what it is I need. Hopefully, from there, I can begin to tackle the needs and in the end find my happiness, which is what I want.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Tornado In my Head

I don’t know where to begin. So many things inside of my head, so many emotions spinning around and so much left unsaid. How do you explain your feelings when you can’t understand them yourself? I feel lost. I feel scared, angry, happy, sad and hurt all at once. I feel utterly alone because I cannot share these feelings. I cannot deal with these feelings so I bottle them all up and walk away from them. I pretend that they don’t exist and I get through the day. Day after day I become more alone and more scared and I cannot find my true self. I cannot find my happiness, I cannot find me and I am lost.
I cannot say I have a horrible life. I have a house, I have a car, 2 kids, 2 dogs, a man, a fish, a frog. I have people who love me, I have a family. My life isn’t bad from the outside looking in. I do have a lot to be thankful for and I know this. And I know that things could be so much worse and I should stop my pity party and move on. If only it were that simple. If only I could I could find the OFF button for the self destruct machine that lives in my head.
I don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel pretty, I don’t feel wanted. What I feel is that I am trapped in this body that isn’t mine and I cannot escape from it. I feel needy and clingy. I feel like I need his attention and I am not getting it. He would rather watch TV or play video games than talk to me and the only time I can get his attention is when we are having sex and I use that as much as I can. And then it is over and he goes to sleep and I lay there wishing he would hold me. Wishing he would want me the way that I want him. Wishing he needed me, wishing we were equals. I have spent so much time alone in this house that it is become both my prison and my fortress.
I am not the person I used to be. Because of this stupid disease I have lost everything that made me me and I have been forced to start over, but each day I feel I have to start over again because each day brings new challenges and new symptoms. I am trying to accept this disease but I cannot accept the unknown. I can accept what is here today but I know that it will change in the blink of an eye and I will be forced to accept what happens tomorrow.
There are things that do not change. The numbness, the pain, and the emotional whirlwind that is so hard to stop that I feel like I am going insane. And yet I fight this disease. I fight with all that I have because I want to be there for my family. I want to see tomorrow even though I already know tomorrow is going to be worse than today.
This disease is trying to kill me. It is killing me. And I am going through the testing and the poking and prodding, the needles and the drugs, and for what? Every month I have to get an infusion that could kill me and it could save me. I would not invest money in the drug company’s stock, yet I have to rely on them to save my life. And I deal with the emotional turmoil of that every month, by myself, alone. I feel like I am fighting for a slower and more painful death. I do this because I have a family that needs me, I have two children who need a mother. I have a man who needs… well, who knows what he needs.
He doesn’t talk to me. He hides things from me. I have to snoop on him to know what the hell is going on with him and when I do I find out he is talking to the one person who has ever caused a problem in our relationship. A person he has sworn to me he will not talk to anymore. I see that he is giving his phone number out to another ex girlfriend. I see him deleting pictures off of his phone that he took at work, pictures he never sent me, and I wonder who he took them for. If he talked to me, if he told me what was going on I wouldn’t be so hurt and I wouldn’t feel the need to spy on him. But I feel like he is constantly hiding things from me, and I wonder if he is faithful, I wonder if our whole relationship is a lie. I wonder why he doesn’t care that it hurts me so much. My friends send me links to websites like online fuck buddy and adult friend finder and he is on there, and I am supposed to trust he would never lie to me or hurt me, I am supposed to trust that he is being open and honest with me. He works so hard to take care of us and our family and I know a part of him resents me for it. A part of him hates me because he is here and his daughter is in Kentucky. A part of him hates me because he has to work so damn hard just to provide for us. And I don’t blame him. Maybe that’s why when he come home at night I get one or two sentences before he shuts me out and turns on the TV.
I know that he loves me. I don’t question that. But I do sometimes question if he stays out of a sense of obligation or if he stays because he actually wants to be here. And that is a scary place to be. Maybe he shuts me out because he is scared and he doesn’t want me to see that side of him. Maybe he shuts me out because he is just going through the motions of life and he doesn’t want to feel. Maybe he puts his emotions in a box and walks away too. I don’t know. I really don’t know anything anymore. I just wish he would talk to me. I wish I knew how he was coping with all of this. I wish that we could have an actual conversation like we used to do back in the days of yore when we were open with one another. We have both hurt each other with stupid mistakes and I don’t know what we need to do to gain each others trust again. I find myself not trusting him, and its not his fault really. I have been hurt so much in the past by stupid men and I find myself feeling that way again. Like something isn’t right, like he is hiding things from me. I hate the way that makes me feel. It makes me feel small and petty, it makes me feel like I have to find whatever it is and I don’t really know that I even WANT to know what is going on when he is not here. Maybe I am making something out of nothing because I am insecure and I feel like I have lost everything and I am waiting to see if I lose him too. A part of me feels like I already have. And I cannot talk to him about it without it being a huge fight. I just don’t have the energy for any more fighting right now.
I have two kids that are wonderful, one is mine and the other was the greatest thing that Alex ever gave me. I never thought I would fall for his daughter and she would have such an impact on my life. But it kills me when she comes to visit and I have to give her back. Especially knowing she doesn’t want to go back. She wants to stay here with us. She has never really had a mother and I am closest thing she has to that. This does put a lot of pressure on me, to fill shoes that have been empty for so long. And I love her. More than words can describe. I am sometimes saddened that I have become her confidant as she tells me things that I do not know how to deal with. My heart breaks when she is hurting, which is happening a lot now a days and I am the only one who knows. She doesn’t see her father the way I do. She sees a man who does not stand up for her, who does not fight for her and she feels unwanted by him. I have no idea how to comfort her when her heart aches because she wants to be here and she has to go. I don’t know how to get her to see the man that I see. Yes, he has his faults but he is here anytime that you need him. He works everyday to provide for us, he goes to school, he takes care of us, and she doesn’t see that because she is not here and that is a decision that he and his father made. It kills me when she is not here. If feels like a part of the puzzle, a part of the family is missing and it is not the same. When I put her on that plane it felt like someone had ripped the heart right out of my chest. It hurt to the point of physical pain. I do realize that a part of me wants her here for selfish reasons, because I love her and I want her close. I want to do what is best for her.
Yes, I do think his parents are financially in a better place than us and they can afford to give her opportunities we cannot. But she has been forced to be an outsider, to be different because she lives with her grandparents and not her mom and dad. She wants a mom and dad, she wants a normal family. I want to give her that, but it is not my choice. I don’t know what hold Alex’s father has on him, but I know that his father has a way of making him feel like nothing, and cutting him to the core and he cannot stand up to him. I don’t understand their relationship and I probably never will. It is very different from my relationship with my mother.
My mother: well, what to say about her? She is there when you need her, she is there when you don’t and she is there when you don’t want her. She is dependant on me because I am the only constant in her life. I love my mom, but I find myself comforting her because I am in pain. I comfort her because I have a disease. I had to comfort her when I found out it was primary progressive. I am her kid, yet I feel like her shrink most days, sometimes I feel like her parent. But she is my mom and I love her. She is crazy. We all know this. Our whole damn family is crazy. If I can say nothing else for my mom, she is there for me when I need her. I don’t tell her a lot of things. I hide a lot of things from her, and I feel guilty for that, but at the same time, I know it is for the best.
I wrote about my father the other day. It was liberating to finally let that out. But it brought back a lot of painful memories and wounds that never healed. It brought back a lot of feelings about my sister that I would rather not have. But it had to come out. I have been living with this pain and this shame for far too long. And now that it is out, I don’t know how to turn off the emotions from it. And I cannot talk to anyone about it, except my shrink who only knows part of the story. I opened a closet of ghosts and skeletons and I cannot figure out how to shut it.
My mind shut out a lot of things that happened with my father, and I know it is for the best. But there is that side of me that feels like I need to know the truth before I can move on and put that behind me. I will never get over what he did and I will never get over the betrayal I felt from my sister. I know that he is dying and I know that until he is dead I will never heal from this. Yet, I somehow feel guilty to wish death upon him, to wish death upon anyone. That is simply not me.
Some days it feels like my entire life has become one big fight. A fight to live a fight to survive, a fight for my relationship, a fight for my kids, just one big fight. Days like today that fight becomes too much. I lose the energy, I lose the will to fight. I pretend the battle isn’t there. I focus on mundane tasks like cleaning or crocheting and I take my mind to another place, another time. I run away from the fight because it scares the hell out of me.
I have an average of 15 doctors appointments/infusions/mri’s/lab tests each month. I see my friends… about once every other month. They all have their own lives and they are all so far away. I miss them. I miss date night with Curtis. I miss Funny Bone Wednesdays with Bryan and Jen. I miss shooting pool with Nichole, I miss just hanging out. I would gladly trade all of that for my family. I live for Sunday nights when we all get to sit down for dinner together. Do you know how pathetic that is?
I need to find something for me, something that gets me out of this house, some place where I am actually needed. That is what I miss about working. I miss having people depend on me to get things done. I miss the chaos, I miss the responsibility. I have tried to make a business of my own, and I have failed miserably at it and it is hard. I gave it all that I had and it wasn’t good enough and that is how I feel about my life right now. I don’t know how to describe it, and maybe it will get better if I ever get approved for this stupid disability thing and I can have some money of my own and I can start doing things. Right now I think the finances are killing me. I have enough money to put gas in the car, buy cigarettes, and get groceries. That is it. There is nothing left after that. I don’t have the money or the gas to go do things, and it isn’t right to ask Alex for money. I hate asking him for money. I hate that I can’t help with the bills. I hate that he works so much and never gets time off. I hate that I am stuck in this place that I can’t get out of. I hate that my emotions are haywire and I hate that I only get one hour a week with my shrink.